The difference of One

The difference in one year can be drastic.  To the mother of a new born, the difference of one year is a more regular sleep pattern.  To a fifth grade student, the difference of a year is leaving to comforts of the only school they have known to a school that makes them change classes.  During those years it seems time takes forever.  That one year seems like such a long time away. 

My difference of a year right now is the difference of a person that was a huge influence in my life being here or now being gone.  That year has seemed to pass so quickly.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that she is in a better place.  I would have never wanted her to stay if that meant she had to stay in pain that she was living with.

Here’s the thing- so many people said it would get easier.  I thought I didn’t want it to get easier because that would mean that some how I had forgotten or not loved her as much anymore.  This year has taught me that isn’t true.   The love that she taught me is carried through my still being here.  It takes more than her not being here to break the bond that has been created.

If anything I want to do more the way she taught me.  I want more things made from scratch.  I want home made quilts.  More than anything, I want to be able to know at the end of my life that I will be surrounded by those that love me because I loved them to thoroughly.  I want to be able to laugh, dance, and have inside jokes with my kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids. 

At the end of the day, I want to have the bond with others that she had with me.

My momma :)

It’s my mom’s birthday.  Can’t let the sun go down without taking a moment to say how awesome she is.

When I was younger and played softball – she was the mom that showed up no matter what.  I wanted to do travel ball – so we traveled every weekend.  She never once said do you realize how much this costs.  She never made me feel like I was a burden with how many different things I wanted to do.  That taught me more about love and dedication than any story ever could.

When I turned down a road that no one foresaw.  She never made me feel inferior.  She made sure that I was taking responsibility for my choices.  But she also never turned her back on me.  That taught me about what unconditionally really means.

When I need a shoulder, counselor, or sounding board; I know that I can count on her no matter what.  Even when she is hurting or struggling, she will always make sure no one else is hurting too.  She shows up for people and leads by example of what love really is.

I could spend forever explaining all the things that she taught me.  Even more so, I could spend forever just trying to understand the lessons that where there but never spoken.

I love my momma and I am so thankful that she is my momma and even more so that she is my kids Granny.  I know she may not be perfect but she is the perfect mom for me.

Happy birthday momma!  I love you more than most.

Purpose Driven Blog

Up til this point, my blog has just been a place for me to organize thoughts, vent, and/or enjoy linking up with other blogging mamas out there.  Over the next couple of weeks, I am giving serious thoughts to the ongoing purpose of my blog.  In 2012, there will be more purposeful blogging going on from me.

Know time for me to focus on my niche.

Giving Thanks

I know it is after Thanksgiving. However I was unable to sit up, much less write post, right after the lunchtime festivities. So here’s a list of the things that I’m most thankful for in no particular order:

  • Diet Coke – It is amazing a small thing like a Diet Coke can turn a day around
  • My son’s height – At the moment I’m thankful because he was able to get something down for me.  Tomorrow when I have to look for more pants for him because the ones purchased 2 months ago are now too short, maybe not so thankful.
  • My youngest’s humor – He has a joke for everything and a crazy sense of humor to boot.  Sometimes at the most inappropriate times, but he is a great mood changer.
  • My husband’s protectiveness – There is never a doubt in my mind that man will go to bat for me anytime and any situation.   Rather than feel like I can’t handle a situation, I am choosing to be thankful for his strength in taking care of it for me.
  • My daughter’s love of the arts – As much as I love creativity, she takes it to another level.  Her skills continue to amaze me.
  • My crazy coupon loving sister – She helps me save so much money and will help me hunt for something when I need to.
  • My friends – My crazy ones that stretch my embarrassed threshold on a regular basis, the ones that I may not talk to for months but I know I can rely on no matter what, and the ones that I know without a shadow of a doubt that they would tell me the truth even if I didn’t like it.
  • And the rest of family – especially the ones that fit into my friends category as well.

Fear Less

This is the first time in a very long time that I am writing a truly transparent post.  The words contained below are straight from my heart and soul.

I recently purchased a book “What Women Fear” by Angie Smith. I have not even cracked open the book yet. The title alone has my mind reeling. There have been many times in my life that I have been crippled by my fears.

I have so many fears, everyday fears, long term fears. What would it feel like to replace those fears with faith and hope and dreams instead? I would love to know. I figure that one of the only ways to overcome some of my fears will be to list what I fear (and read the book to see what Angie says since she has overcome so many of her own fears).

  • I fear that I will not live up to expectations. Not just others expectations, but my own. What if I really am not good enough for that job? What if I mess up dinner? What if I am really not a good enough mom?  What if the outcome of my life is my failures instead of my accomplishments?
  • I fear that I won’t be able to see all three of my kids grow up.  I have witnessed so many young lives cut so very short.  I pray everyday that I won’t be forced to witness it first hand with my own child.
  • I fear I won’t be able to meet the needs of my family.  We have lost so much, through poor choices, and tough economic times.   What if after not being able to meet wants, we start not being able to meet needs as well?
  • I fear that I will never get over mistakes that I have made.
  • I fear I’m a disappoint to God.  That I get in the way of His plan.  That I don’t communicate the things that He wants me to.  I just don’t measure up.
  • I fear my kids will grow up and move away.  That the only time I will be able to see them is vacations and holidays.  I want them to become responsible adults and have a life of their own.  I just want to continue to be a part of their life.
  • I fear that I will not be able to overcome my fears.

Back on Track

I haven’t posted in a couple of weeks. So much on my mind, I just couldn’t process it all while maintaining my normal posts. I will be back on track starting tomorrow. And be on the look out for a post this week that is different from my normal. I have a draft that will be published this week that is so much where my heart and my brain has been lately.

Sooo Scary

Mama's Losin' It button

Prompt this week is to write about something that scared you as a child.

Being so close to Halloween, this reminds of a particular Trick or Treat adventure. It was third grade, my best friend, Christie, and I were going to Trick or Treat. Her mom had everything mapped out for us. First, we went on a hayride at their church and then trick or treated at the neighborhood right next to the church. After that neighborhood, we went on to the next.

Here we are, two eight year old girls, one dressed as Pippy Longstocking (that’s me) and the other as a sick child complete with thermometer and teddy bear walking up to this completely normal looking house. There is a very large tub on the front porch and an elderly woman sitting in a lawn chair. I walk up to the woman and say “Trick or Treat”, she does not reply as the other houses have by giving me candy. Instead she looks at the tub and says, “If you want the candy, reach in there an get it.” I turn to the tub, and find a man with fake blood on his face and hands in the tub. Now, we are pretty intelligent 3rd graders – we look at each other and say, “No way”. We are not going to touch that guy. But, we are also wanting candy.

We stand there several minutes, pondering our options. Option 1 – walk away without getting candy at this one house; Option 2 – reach in for the candy and know that we are going to scared out of our minds. I look back at the lady, and plead with her to just give us one piece. I figure that if she reaches in, that we will be okay. This entire time, the guy is not moving – at all. I don’t see the candy even moving from him breathing. The lady doesn’t budge, she won’t give us any candy.

Finally, I look to Christie and we decide that we really want some the candy. So we move to the very end of the tub away from the guy’s hands and face. We reach in as slowly and quietly as possible, thinking the entire time if try really hard maybe he won’t notice us. Just as we reach in, the man bolts up and screams. We scream, grab a huge handful of candy, and run away all at the same time. Christie’s mom is, of course, laughing; right along with the man and the lady sitting there.